I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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