I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
