I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
