do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
