booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
