I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
