it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
