Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
