I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
