Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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