if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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