Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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