I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
