Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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