Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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