When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
