thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
