how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
