and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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