A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
