if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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