when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
