wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
