i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
