hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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