Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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