btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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