So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
