I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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