You don't have asthma, your pregnant
North Korea, Best Korea!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a search helicopter?!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Randomize
