I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
