Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
