Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
