If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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