Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize