I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
