So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
