You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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