Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
