i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize