And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
