Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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