Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
