Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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