Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
