i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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