On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
