Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
