Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize