Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
