Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
