I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
