if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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