he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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